It’s late. Well… Early.
Thought I was angry… More so sad than anything. Disappointed. But I guess it comes with the territory.
I’m going to get my own self out of this. It’s going to be ON then.
I need a life coach.
& someone to buy me ungodly amounts of liquor.
sometimes i’m like… i’m too mothafucking beautifully fucking awesome to be going through all this mothafucking bullshit that i am going through.
but… i say that in my head.
and i don’t answer my phone.
i have letoya luckett’s song obvious on repeat. it’s played 16 times in the past hour. the words man… the words.
i wish this tumblr was my saving grace again. i wish i could write down every cuss word and every bit of what i am feeling and thinking and plotting but I KNOW that shit would bring the ultimate most in my life.
and the last thing i need in my life… is more of the most.
but i do want to get my feelings out. i’ve been calling around to therapist in GA with no luck at someone taking my insurance. this is bullshit. and i’m seriously contemplating moving back home to NYC.
my thoughts are randomly jumping all over the fucking place. and it’s really bothering me. but i’m just at a point right now where the only person i trust on this earth is my momma. trust no bitch… no nigga… no fucking body. i know when shit gets too real for me i can trust that bitch will get shit done for me. if i ask her to get some information for me i can ask her a few days later and she’ll have it. today, while we were on the phone my dad asked her who she was talking to and she replied “my baby”… i can’t tell you how special i felt in that fucking second. she don’t even know how her just saying that made me want to go on today… just a little longer. and through the bullshit i just had to endure on the phone with someone else… as much as it pissed me off to the point of seeing red… i thought about my mother calling me her baby… and i just shrugged all that other shit right the fuck off.
i finally changed the song. ledisi is now crooning in my ear. some days i really love music. some days i can’t take it… music…. it shows me too much of my life… my soul. GOOD music. you know… yeah
strict gun laws are made for people like me. imma just leave that there.
kittens/cats are only cute on tumblr. in real life…. them fuckers are psycho
That heavy feeling in your chest when you don’t feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to connect to anyone or anything.
my life… since turning 30 *heavy exasperated sigh*
i’ve gotten to a point where giving a fuck is no longer an option.
i feel like childless mothers are fucking social pariahs.
especially on mother’s day.
it really bothers me that people feel so much angst and confusion to people who’ve lost children. it’s not like i ate my child after birth. like i cast her off a mountain cliff for the sake of saving humanity.
shit happens. children die.
it’s a part of life.
but don’t fucking treat me like i’m not a part of this special exclusive club called “motherhood”. don’t act like fucking mean girls and turn your nose up at those of us who can’t, for reasons BEYOND our control, experience motherhood daily like the rest of you.
it’s mean. and it makes you fucking suck..
this has been a semi rant because i can’t really say what i want to say because my tumblr isn’t even mine anymore. so i’ll keep my other thoughts to myself.
- In theory: yes.
- In practice: no.
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